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Signs that you have a small child

  • You are not uncomfortable with sniffing a butt in public.
  • You feel like you are forgetting something if you can easily walk out the door.
  • The safety and security procedures in your home have to be stricter than those of the TSA.
  • You do not think it unusual to find salami in your recliner, CD's in your tub, rocks in the dryer vent, and Tupperware in the toilet.
  • You think a paper towel tube is a musical instrument.
  • You always carry a bag of Cheerios in your purse.
  • The possessions you are most afraid to lose are small, plastic, drooled on, and cost less than 3 bucks.
  • You find yourself humming "Pop Goes the Weasel" during dull moments at work.
  • You no longer need to buy sticky notes, because regular paper sticks anywhere you put it anyway.
  • There is absolutely no reason to purchase a burglar alarm for your home because anyone attempting to walk through your house in the dark will set off numerous noisy toys and will inevitably howl in pain when they encounter the Duplo's.

Poor moose

How do you get a moose 50 feet in the air by accident?

Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks, Alaska

"They were laying new power cables. They were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck. When the men (miles away) pull the lines up with their big equipment, he went too."

Moose dangling from power lines by its antlers.
Pogo Moose Incident - Fairbanks, Alaska


The complete story can be found on Snopes.com: Moose hanging from power cables .

How to write a paper or presentation

I. Think of something to write
     A. What's in the fridge?
     B. What reading material can I use for inspiration?
     C. Do I have to go to the bathroom?
II. Start writing your ideas
     A. Figure out how to make your word processor format things correctly
     B. Write a few test sentences
     C. Erase the totally stupid paragraph you just wrote
III. Acting on your inspiration
     A. Clean the house thoroughly
     B. Call a friend
     C. Invent a new kind of time saving device
     D. Attend to your personal appearance
IV. Wrap up the project
     A. Capture time pressure induced idea
     B. Type everything quickly and sloppily
     C. Clean up the mess
V. Trouble shooting printing problems
     A. Windows help
     B. Call a friend
     C. Find a new printing method

Toast for the sick...

Updates have been slow here due to sickness of several contributors. So to stay in the spirit of things, here's a cartoon conveying our recent experiences...

Two people in bed hold up little cups filled with green liquid and say "Good nyquil!"
Favorite toast of sick people

Plantimals

What happens when you mix plants and animals in the Photoshop blender? Check it out!

The hummingbird is drinking from a flower, but the hummingbird head is attached to the plant and the flower is attached to the hummingbird body.
Hummingbird plant


The upward curling ends of the Bleeding Heart flower are flamingos.
Flawingo flower


The wing shield of the beetle is popped off and reveals the walnut inside.
Walnut bug


The frog isn't just the color orange, its middle section is a spiral orange peel.
Orange frog


You can find many more on Worth1000.com !

Why men have no reason to be depressed

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can be President.
  • You can never be pregnant.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too disgusting.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • Same work, more pay.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
  • People don't stare at your chest when you're talking to them, unless there is food on your shirt.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood all the time.
  • You frequently get fed.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • People believe you when you give advice about computers or cars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • You can buy clothes based entirely on what's on the size tag.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  • You only have to shave your face and neck.
  • You can play with toys all your life.
  • One wallet and one color for all seasons.
  • You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
  • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  • You can wear sandals no matter how your toe nails look.


No wonder men are happier!

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