Really weird analogies

Some of the weirdest analogies found in papers by high school students:

The situation had become topsy-turvy - like Christmas in the summer, if you’re in Australia.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.
Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night’s Taco Bell.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chain saw - and it had been out in the heat too long.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad’s brow - a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball of desperation.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
He spoke with the wisdom that can come only from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
The politician was gone, but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled.

By xorbit, last changed on March 14, 2008 // E-mail to a friend //

Things to do on an exam when you'll fail anyway

I found a hillarious list on the web called "50 things to do on an exam when you know you are going to fail anyway". Here are some of the best ones:

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh nuts, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math or science exams, try using Roman numerals.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Bring cheat sheets for another class and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Stinks."

The complete list can be found at 50 things to do on an exam when you know you are going to fail anyway .

By xorbit, last changed on August 6, 2008 // E-mail to a friend //

Teenage girl speak

Highway sign says "How many times has your teenaged daughter said 'like' today?"
with under it a big mechanical counter showing "2670243".
Teenage girl speak

By xorbit, last changed on February 3, 2008 // E-mail to a friend //

Mr. Veggie Head

Looks like a normal painting of a vegetable bowl at first sight. But when you turn it upside down, you might see more than just veggies!

The painting shows a bowl with vegetables, but when you turn it over you can see a face in it!
Painting: "L'homme-potager" (1750)

By xorbit, last changed on December 17, 2007 // E-mail to a friend //

Tool definitions

You might have seen these before, but whether you did or not, this may just be what you need to find out the real purpose of some common tools.

Dremel tool:
A very useful tool for modelers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts and justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.

Skil saw:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters. Pliers are the tool you use whenever the proper tool for the job has been borrowed. Teenagers excel in the use of this tool.

Belt sander:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-ups into major refinishing jobs. Also useful for exfoliating knuckles.

Vise grips:
Generally used after pliers to completely finish rounding off bolt heads.

Oxyacetylene torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Depending on your skill, it can be used to test if the fire department knows the way to your shop.

Whitworth sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

Table saw:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity and medical coverage.

Hydraulic floor jack:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Eight foot long yellow pine 2x4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

Radial arm saw:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

Two-ton engine hoist:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 by 24 inch screwdriver:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Phillips screwdriver:
Normally used to stab vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Teenagers will attempt the use of a Phillips head after pliers fail to net result.

Straight screwdriver:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into nonremovable screws.

Hose cutter:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive objects adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as a replacement for screwdriver.

By xorbit, last changed on November 18, 2007 // E-mail to a friend //