How to write a paper or presentation

I. Think of something to write
     A. What's in the fridge?
     B. What reading material can I use for inspiration?
     C. Do I have to go to the bathroom?
II. Start writing your ideas
     A. Figure out how to make your word processor format things correctly
     B. Write a few test sentences
     C. Erase the totally stupid paragraph you just wrote
III. Acting on your inspiration
     A. Clean the house thoroughly
     B. Call a friend
     C. Invent a new kind of time saving device
     D. Attend to your personal appearance
IV. Wrap up the project
     A. Capture time pressure induced idea
     B. Type everything quickly and sloppily
     C. Clean up the mess
V. Trouble shooting printing problems
     A. Windows help
     B. Call a friend
     C. Find a new printing method

By netentity, last changed on January 17, 2008 // E-mail to a friend //         

Why men have no reason to be depressed

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
  
• The garage is all yours.
  
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  
• Chocolate is just another snack.
  
• You can be President.
  
• You can never be pregnant.
  
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
• The world is your urinal.
  
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too disgusting.
  
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  
• Same work, more pay.
  
• Wrinkles add character.
  
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
  
• People don't stare at your chest when you're talking to them, unless there is food on your shirt.
  
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  
• One mood all the time.
  
• You frequently get fed.
  
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  
• You can open all your own jars.
  
• People believe you when you give advice about computers or cars.
  
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  
• Your underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack.
  
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
  
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  
• You can buy clothes based entirely on what's on the size tag.
  
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
  
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
  
• You can play with toys all your life.
  
• One wallet and one color for all seasons.
  
• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
  
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  
• You can wear sandals no matter how your toe nails look.
  

No wonder men are happier!

By xorbit and netentity, last changed on December 21, 2007 // E-mail to a friend //         

Tool definitions

You might have seen these before, but whether you did or not, this may just be what you need to find out the real purpose of some common tools.

Dremel tool:
A very useful tool for modelers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts and justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.

Skil saw:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters. Pliers are the tool you use whenever the proper tool for the job has been borrowed. Teenagers excel in the use of this tool.

Belt sander:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-ups into major refinishing jobs. Also useful for exfoliating knuckles.

Vise grips:
Generally used after pliers to completely finish rounding off bolt heads.

Oxyacetylene torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Depending on your skill, it can be used to test if the fire department knows the way to your shop.

Whitworth sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

Table saw:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity and medical coverage.

Hydraulic floor jack:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Eight foot long yellow pine 2x4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

Radial arm saw:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

Two-ton engine hoist:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 by 24 inch screwdriver:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Phillips screwdriver:
Normally used to stab vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Teenagers will attempt the use of a Phillips head after pliers fail to net result.

Straight screwdriver:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into nonremovable screws.

Hose cutter:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive objects adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as a replacement for screwdriver.

By xorbit, last changed on November 18, 2007 // E-mail to a friend //